Anticipation according to the dictionary is described as ‘the action of anticipating something, expectation or prediction’.
So when we speak of anticipatory grief this is the grief felt for a beloved animal companion that we know we are going to have to say goodbye to sooner rather than later.
Of course we know that the time we have with our loved ones is short, and we know that nothing is guaranteed and any time we get is a gift.
But all it takes is an appointment at the vets for a suspicion we have, or symptoms, or an accident or tragic encounter and we are faced with the realisation that the time we have is coming to an end and soon.
Of course, we also realise that as our pets get older we know that death comes for us all and that we, over time, come to terms with the fact that we will have to say goodbye.
This writing is about those unexpected goodbyes. The ones where we are given a time frame, where we are told when we can expect our pet’s life to end.
Over the years I worked as a Veterinary Care Assistant, I have experienced many a time the unfortunate consultation where the owners/guardians/caregivers were given devastating news.
Where owners were given something that for a lot of us we don’t get. Time to say goodbye.
Does it make it any easier to know when our pet’s time is up? No. Not at all.
If anything, it may make it harder. Because now we have to cram in as much love and experiences as we can because now we know for sure that they won’t reach more senior years.
What can we do? What can we as pet owners do to make these moments last?
I have often stated in my trainings that anticipatory grief is a help and a hindrance.
You may be reading this wondering how anything helpful could come from this? How does knowing beforehand make any of this easier when the time comes?
It is a help because you have time to prepare-something that some owners do not have-and you have time to make arrangements in good time (your pet’s condition willing) for how you want things to go.
You can discuss with the vet and your family how you want your pet’s last day to go. Home euthanasia? At the vets? Who will be there? Planning with work or school so you can be there.
You can plan fun activities to do together, something to look back on in years to come, something to make you smile and look back fondly.
Some ideas of activities may include:
A bucket list – don’t add too many items just in case you cannot finish them all. It may add to the pain if you have a list of activities you had your heart set on doing and then couldn’t.
Last treat–feeding your pet the foods that were once forbidden. Burger with onions, chocolate bar or cake, ice cream, a whole fish. Items that were off limits but now it’s OK. But if feeding these foods please bear in mind that they should be given as near to the appointment as you can so that they do not add to your pet’s issues-and check with your vets about whether this is OK to do on the day of the appointment in relation to sedation used.
(NB At The House Vet we encourage treats to be offered on the day.)
Photoshoot-The Tilly Project are a group of professional pet photographers who do end of life photo shoots for pets. What I personally love about a photo shoot is that you not only have beautiful professional photos of your companion, but you can be in the photo rather than behind the camera.
Cake smash – some photographers do cake smash shoots for dogs. Where they have a cake made or you provide a cake which is laid down and then your dog is allowed to eat it. The photos of your dog eating this cake, messily, having a great time, will bring a smile in times when you need a pick me up.
Making arrangements-a checklist.
What do you need to know?
1. Where do you want the euthanasia to take place and what do you need to do to arrange this? Book the vet to come to you? Book a home euthanasia service? Book an appointment at the vets?
2. Who is going to be present? Do you need people to book time off work? Reschedule a holiday or come home from uni?
3. What happens afterwards? Will the vet take your pet to arrange cremation or burial? Do you want to take them to the crematorium?
4. If you are taking your pet to the crematorium, book the slot and ask whether you can attend the cremation itself or whether you have to go back to pick the urn up.
5. If the vet arranges the cremation, what are the urn options and when can you expect that back?
6. What urn, casket, scatter tube do you want? Make sure there are a couple of options you prefer in case the main one you want is not available for some reason.
7. Medications-unused medication can be returned to the vets for disposal. Please do not pass them on to someone else, even if their pet is on the exact same medication.
8. Food, blankets and toys – you may want to donate to local shelters, or the vets may use blankets. Do you want to keep any or all?
Most importantly, we should be making the most of every minute. But this does not mean that we have to be in our pet’s space every minute and never leave their side.
Anticipatory grief gives us the chance to make arrangements, to make our pet’s last day as comfortable and as meaningful as we can, but it can also rob us of the time we do have left.
By thinking solely or mainly about the end, and how soon it is coming, we may miss out on the time we do have.
We may find ourselves so focussed on losing our loved one that we forget that they are still here, still alive, still with us. That we can still feel them, see them and cuddle them. Yes the days that pass bring us closer to their loss but we still have time now.
Tell them everything you one day may wish you had said.
Write down descriptions of their quirks and habits. Their scent, what do they smell like, is there something you can smell that reminds you of them?
Make paw prints if you want to. Clip some fur if you want to.
Enjoy them, be present with them. You have time, no matter how quickly the sand is falling.
Carrie Kearns
Pet Bereavement Counsellor